The depression is pretty deep today. I struggled getting out of bed and even getting coffee this morning. I know therapy is supposed to be helpful but many times, the day after I just feel like shit. I think of everything two and even three times ad am like an emotional bomb just waiting to go off. I know it is a process and I feel as though I am making progress just tiny tiny steps.
I don’t even really know what to write today. I don’t necessarily want to dive into my feelings.
As always, I was thinking of the boys this morning once I did drag my butt to the couch. It is almost an every morning thought of wondering what they will be doing today. If I will cross their mind, and of course suppressing the thought of their father’s death and the joy it would bring me. That is just one of the worst statement’s I have ever said. Sadly, it is true. I doubt anything would be better between the boys and I however, I could go and try and see them without the fear of my life being taken from me.
I really need to get my head in the homework, I have a limited amount of time to finish three classes. I go in and out of motivation like most people that struggle with the things that I do. Or at least that is what I hear.
My thoughts have been a lot on Nikki the past week, missing her and the “friendship” that we once had (at least on my end). I suppose I am mourning that still and wondering if I ever will find another woman that I can be that close with. I don’t know if I honestly will ever allow myself to do that again, especially with someone’s children. Too many innocent hearts broken. There are many things in my life that I just don’t enjoy anymore because they were things we did together, or I don’t enjoy them near as much. I suppose it is a process like divorce and I will have to learn to find myself again without her. It is just a painful road.
I am hoping after this nonsense of a post to do a little writing on book. Who knows, maybe that will help motivate the rest of the day. For anyone else kind of struggling today, you are not alone. We can figure this out, we just can’t lose faith.
~Rose
Leave a Reply