I have been missing my little bug lately (my godson “Jack”) and I wonder how he is doing. I still have a very hard time grieving the loss of her friendship. I talk about her and us a lot in therapy and while I have made peace with my decision to respect my own boundaries, I still find times when I want to reach out to her. I wish Jack was older so that he and I could talk, but with him being so young, I have to go through her. I worry about what he thinks happened. I would like to think that Nikki hasn’t tarnished my name with him but I also know her well enough to know that she will say just about anything to get back at someone that has hurt her.
I should probably explain the rage part. Well let me take a few steps back and explain it all. While I have not spoken to Nikki since February when we had our fight, she has sent messages through people that I know or contacted them to contact me. It has been frustrating to say the least.
The first time she sent a message was actually on my mother’s birthday this year in March. For years I have paid for a Netflix account and have even added her to the account so it was just one less thing that she had to worry about. Jack enjoyed having it and used it the most. After she blocked me from talking to him and after a month of hearing nothing from her I decided to stop paying for that subscription. Not to be petty but I am not going to pay for something for someone I am not even allowed to speak to. When that happened she sent a scathing message to my boyfriend about how childish I was and to grow up. There was some more ramblings in there but that was the jist of it. I found that ironic and even though it was frustrating I just let it go. Then, a few weeks ago out of no where she sent a message to a friend of mine that lives here. Now, she knows this girl but hasn’t spoken to or sent a message to her since we moved back to Arkansas June of 25. But she decided to send her one with a link to a fundraiser for Jack’s school and asked her to send it to me so that I could place an order. I told this friend that she could just reply with its best to just message me directly. I have been trying to figure out why that has just sent me. I have been checking her messages to see if she was going to send me the link but she hasn’t. And while I was checking I re read the final message she sent me and it sent me into a full blown rage.
I don’t know how to process this and move on. I don’t know how to either let go of Jack or try to mend something with his mother. I have seen how she treated his father and while I am not his biggest fan, I can see and understand his fight with her. I worry about Jack and how he is doing, and so much wish that I was a part of his life. I suppose I also miss the good things about her and the relationship that we had. Also because of her I don’t think I will ever open up to another woman like I did her.
Much like a romantic relationship or a marriage even, I have just been too hurt to go down that road again anytime soon. How odd is that? I don’t know why I never looked at friendships as I did romantic relationships. I suppose that may be because I never had a friend like her to lose before I lost her. It is as though I am going through a whole separate divorce. A piece me will forever be missing.
As much as I miss her, I will have to only write about it and live with it in my mind because I cannot allow myself to be put in another situation like that to be used and disregarded.
I wonder if my issue with it all is I haven’t ended it properly. I have been thinking maybe I should send her a message or a letter and define the reasons why I chose to separate myself from her. Would it matter to her? I don’t think so. She is in a toxic relationship and can’t see the red flags through her rose colored glasses. Would it matter to me, yes! I could walk away having said what I need to say and outline that I am here for Jack unconditionally. Maybe that is something that I can work on.
I woke up in a rage because I have been sad over losing one of my closest friends, and I am hurting for my Jack and I am pissed at the realization of being used. I have to say I do feel better now that I got all that out.
But oh, how I miss that little man.
~Rose
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