So many drafts….

It has been a minute since I have written. Granted I really haven’t written much regardless of how much I think about writing and have tons to say. It seems as though I am conflicted with myself on how to move forward. A part of me wants to be anonymous, but the other part of me which seems to be more powerful, says to own my story and how will the boys know where to find all of what I hope to post about me and my life and the love I have for them.

Besides that I have a constant battle with triggers. Much more now in my life than I ever have before. Therapists says that it is happening now because I am in a place in my life where I feel safe enough to explore the areas and feelings of my life that I haven’t before. Honestly, that is just bullshit lol. I have been doing fine ignoring it my whole life. It figures.

So dealing with that and having to talk about my feelings once a week to a therapists and then even though I literally think about everything i want to write I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I have so many drafts on here from times that I tried.

Since we last spoke i have been on yet another cruise and it was amazing. I have been hospitalized and am still dealing with that mess everyday. It seems there is no ONE doctor that can see me. It has to be go here for this, then to this one for that, and so on and so forth. All without getting any answers. At this point I just want to give up on them and manage my own symptoms and pain my own way.

I know that building this site for my boys is going to make me feel so good, it is just getting through this all and knowing how to keep going. I have it started, so that is something. My oldest son Camdon’s 28th birthday is coming up next week. I so wanted to send him a card but I feel like at this point that evil step mother of his won’t give it to him. I still may send him one anyway but a belated card. I DO plan on doing a whole post with pictures about him on Monday for his birthday and I hope that one day he sees it.

I have no idea where to start on telling them the story of me and their dad. It is going to be hard for them to hear and they won’t believe a lot of it, at least at first I am sure. He has them so very brainwashed, well Anthony much more than Camdon. I feel like this is the last thing I can do to just share my side.

I know I am rambling….so sorry. Organizing my thoughts are also a struggle. I am still learning how to process writing something FOR my children ABOUT me that EVERYONE reads lol. I will get there just hang in there lol.

I am so happy it is Fall and I really feel like there is change in the wind and although I am still struggling with my depression, I am optimistic that what I have decided to do with my writing is driven by God and the love for myself and my boys. I am trying to embrace the strength that is there in that statement and also inside me. When someone has been forced to be quiet all their life it is so hard to get the courage and learn that you can finally speak up.

~Rose