I have no idea what to name today’s post at all so it is what it is lol. I had to do some late errands for the boyfriend tonight. We are leaving next week for a vacation to Puerto Rico (both first time!) and we needed our oil changed. Usually, this is something he would have me take it to the dealer for but we have some very good friends that are mechanics so we went that route this time and well, when you get a text your grease monkey is free you get on it.
While on the drive home the moon was absolutely beautiful. At every chance I could I would look up at it and try to study it. Once I got home I took a minute to just take it in. You see, it has been a little over two years since just the idea of looking at the moon would make me sick. For a very very long time that word meant so much to me and that celestial body that hovers above meant the same. I identified with it and it was part of my everyday life. After what I went through with my ex I never thought I would ever be able to appreciate that moon again. But tonight I did!!! Another huge win in that area of my life.
I haven’t touched on that relationship really yet, mostly because I am currently in between therapist. I don’t know that I can open that wound up that is still healing without some help if you know what I mean. The ending of that relationship was my rock bottom. It was what broke the woman I was and forced me to rebuild. I never imagined myself in the dark place I was. I am so grateful that the person that I have chosen to heal and share with is supportive and understanding of the pain that I still feel, though much lighter. I still don’t utter his name for fear that it will give memories and emotions life that I hope are completely dead. I can honestly say that the same time last year I would not have been able to look as hard and as genuine at the moon as I did tonight. It really makes my heart happy that there is healing where once I thought I would have a permanent black hole.
I am sure there is someone out there that has experienced that kind of betrayal and hurt. If you haven’t, man you’re lucky!! But without that experience I wouldn’t be doing this, writing my story and finally speaking all the things that everyone told me to hide. Finding the me that has been hidden inside all those years and what’s more exciting is I found my voice!
I am still so scared of what to share and what not to share but at the same time I feel like once I start writing I could flood the pages with words.
Baby steps though. I have to walk before I can run and let’s be honest I barely understand to make a daily post right now, not write a novel ;).
The moon was incredibly mesmerizing though and I am so happy that I can look at the moon now and appreciate God’s gift to the world and nothing else.
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