There are days that go by that I barely think of her at all. Today wasn’t one of those days. I started this blog thing, for the second time. I had one directly after the affair of my ex husband and well, let’s just say that I was in the wrong place to be writing. I needed therapy, space and time, and of course most importantly I needed support.
I found it in some of the normal places you would expect to find it but not nearly as much. I have always been the strong one among my friends and acquaintances. The one everyone seemed to turn to with their problems or just to vent so I felt so odd saying I was finally the one that was breaking. A person that was really there for me initially (the first few weeks after the betrayal) was someone we will call Nikki. She would also be the one I had to step away from.
I met Nikki in the early 2000’s while I was living in a hotel/motel in North Carolina. Why I was there is a story for another time, but I offered her some things that she needed and we became fast friends. Irregardless of the age difference between us, we were inseparable for quite some time. Me being older I felt protective of her. I think in a way I was always a bit too much in her business. Granted I was pulled into things most of the time but that is par for the course when it comes to me and the people I am drawn to. When I met her she was involved with a guy who was an addict. Cocaine was his drug of choice and when he used he would become violent and would force her to use the drug as well. I can’t count how many times I would find myself in between her and her cocaine fueled man. She ended up taking him back a few times as most abused women do, but the second time she was still living with me and I had to give her an ultimatum because I wasn’t going to put myself or my family in harms way again. That was the first time we stopped talking.
After a few years I had moved wth my ex husband to a place we will just call Nod. It was so far away from where I was from and I was desperate for companionship and a friend. I think that is when I allowed my judgement to lapse and I let her back into my life. I even invited her to Nod to stay with me and the ex because she was in a bad way at the time. I thought at least we could support each other while we both figured things out.
This new land of Nod was exciting for both of us foreigners and for a little while things worked out fine. Me and the ex had very little to offer her as we were living in a camper in a campground. He was from Nod and used to the conditions but me and Nikki, we understood how each other were feeling and I think she was really what I needed at the time. Her and I both started working at the same places and having the same goals. She began dating a nice guy that was from Nod as well and really encouraged me and the ex to like this guy. She really had this vision of all of us being coupled up and besties and to be honest nothing would have made me happier. Unfortunately for me I didn’t know that their relationship was more of the “as needed” type of thing or at least had developed into that. Something she failed to mention to me so one day when I mentioned texting her beau she got really upset with me. I tried to explain that had I known what was going on I would have pulled back on being so friendly but the damage for her had been done. She bought a ticket and was gone within days, right before my birthday that year.
Again, I went a few years without hearing from her or us talking at all and then again, my ex became a OTR truck driver and I was alone and missing having someone in my life and I let my guard down again. I may have even reached out to her I can’t quite remember. Either way, she had a son by this time. A tiny baby we will call Jack. I tried to resume the friendship as if I hadn’t been hurt more than once by her but it wouldn’t be long before she would attack me as a mother. Something I am so very sensitive about, and you will find out why. She made a remark that pierced my heart and I didn’t speak to her again for 2 years. You really would think that by this time I would have figured out that this relationship is not like some of the other long term friendships that I had and I would just keep my distance. But no! I am too forgiving and soft hearted for my own good. I let her back in one last time. We started back video chatting everyday and I became someone important to her boy Jack.
There came a time when things were bad for her in the south. She was not working at al just drawing assistance and living in housing. One day she told me how she had to sweep a meth pipe from her doorstep before her and baby boy could leave. I convinced her to come back to Nod and I would support her and help her find her feet. I was married and was convinced I had found my forever and made Nod my home. I knew that I could help her too. I figured we needed each other.
For years things were wonderful. We quarreled now and then as friends do but nothing major. I became another parent to her son, having him almost as much as she did. When my world crashed down around me she was there to let me cry on her shoulder and sleep on her couch. It was a hard break up for us all, my ex and I had been together for 15 years and Jack thought my ex hung the moon. Right around the time we split up, she had met this guy. She was really ate up with his guy and I never really realized how much until I seen her around him. He would end up changing her in ways I never would imagine. I stayed in Nod after the split but because of my ex and his chosen affair partner had to move towns so we were separated for a year. I still had Jack through the summer and would go and get him on weekends but Nikki and I never spent time together after I moved. She would give me reasons, excuses, and all the things of why she couldn’t come and stay with me but I think everyone involved knew the real reason behind it. Either way, I will get more into that later as this has become a much longer post than I wanted, but were gonna roll with it lol.
To make a long story short, in February I said some things to her that were not untrue but maybe a little too forward. She took offense and even though I apologized to her and said I needed to get into therapy and really figure out myself she blocked me from my “godson.” This is something she swore she would never do to me. She would never keep Jack away from me after the bond we built. But she did. I may have reacted too quickly but I told her that him and I were not a pawn to be played with in her game and I wouldn’t allow it.
Now it has been almost 6 months since I have heard his voice. 6 months since we have had a video chat. 6 months since I had my best friend, or what I thought was. I have a hard time swallowing that I knew what was coming and I told myself not to get attached as I have seen what she has done to other people. But one of the worst things about me is I see the good in people. Or, I live in a total fictitious world and my reality is my own. Usually I yearn for Jack, but today I missed Nikki.
The friend I once had. The once I shared all my hobbies with. The one who knew how deeply and deadly my ex wounded me. She was one of few people that knew the most (not all) about me. It almost feels like grieving my marriage.
One of the hardest lessons life has taught me is that boundaries are important. Taking care of yourself and protecting your heart should be a priority. Boundaries are not a punishment, they are not personal (usually), and they are so healthy. I have had to create them for myself. I tend to give and give and give and it is expected that I just absorb more abuse whether that is from a romantic partner or someone’s that I call a friend. Too many times, we are so worried about the rejection or the fear of how the other person will react when we share new boundaries or how someone makes us feel with their behavior. I would much rather feel the sting of losing a friend that wasn’t true to begin with than feel the sting of just more betrayal or misuse by that “friend.”
Even though I know I did the right thing for me, I still miss her. I miss being a part of their lives. I especially miss Jack. I miss her laugh and her smile and the way she could get me out of a funk. I miss all the good and wonderful things that made me so proud to call her my bestie. I pray for her and Jack regularly and hope they find all the happiness.
I think I will always miss her. I read something not too long ago that stuck with me and I will share the jist of the saying. It was something like “even though you are no longer part of my story, I have those pages turned down because it was my favorite chapter.” I don’t know if that is right or who said that (credit to that person(s) please) for that matter but it is something that is so well put for me. I have had to separate myself from a few people in my lifetime for various reasons. There are few, like Nikki, that I love to re read those pages and just remember with a smile.
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