Today is a particularly rough day for me. I woke up feeling pretty good and earlier than usual thanks to the time change. I sat down to have my coffee and just threw on something to listen to as I fiddled with my tablet. My go to TV choice is true crime. I watch it way too much for one person really. I was paying little attention to the story that was playing. I did my usual and said a little prayer for the family and was just catching highlights really. Then the story started to sound way too familiar.
“Immediately I thought of the wasband. Not in a good way, not in a missing way but in a way I am not proud of. Wishing his death and the death of his partner/wife. Yes, he married the woman he cheated with if that means anything. I struggle so hard with keeping those thoughts far away. But sometimes I just find myself thinking “too bad that can’t happen to ***.” The emotions that I was feeling took over me completely and I was in a rage. My heart was beating so loud and my ears were burning. I realized I was breathing a little differently which made me pay attention and do some breathing and mindfulness to get back. I don’t understand why these thoughts invade my mind. I am not a person to wish harm on anyone, usually, but this time it is so different. I am doing it without even being aware sometimes.
I suppose my mother was looking down on me from heaven because not long after I had calmed down my phone rang. It was my therapists office wanting to get me scheduled since I missed last week. Call it coincidence but I believe it was momma or a guardian angel reminding me to take care of myself.
Moving on…you may have noticed some changes on the site. Since I am planning for this to be a permanent thing in my life until I die for my children I might as well invest a little more than just a few moments here and there. And the aesthetic, well I do care about your experience as the reader an I always do better when things are pretty.
The books are coming along nicely and I am becoming more excited at the promise of seeing them in physical form with all the bells and whistles and not just working drafts on my desk and in my emails going back and forth.
Finally, something happy! Planning the wedding! Things are starting to take place for us with the wedding planning. I have a girls day tomorrow with a good friend to go ring shopping for the last time which is so exciting! We have settled on a reasonable budget for the wedding and mapped everything out to make things a bit clearer on where the money should go. For a moment I doubted having a church wedding with all the things as both of us have done this a time or two. However, with that being said both of us also agree that what we feel for each other is something that far supersedes what we have experienced before. Maybe it is the familiarity, maybe it is the season in our lives, maybe it is a level of understanding or maybe just maybe it is the loves of our lives. So with that were doing it like we’ve never done it before. Totally traditional and beautiful and founded in God as it should be. I am so excited for our future!
~Rose
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