Healing is growing. That is the lesson I have learned the past few days. There has been a little bit of a shift in my thinking. I suppose to understand where I am now, I will have to explain where I was.
The day he told me about the affair is one I will never forget as it was a pain I had never experienced before. What would follow soon after would be a rage that I can only describe as seeing RED! I am not proud to say that I lived in that rage for a long long time. I let that rage consume me to the point that every morning him and her would be my first thought. Followed by hopes that they would meet their end that day by whatever means. Those thoughts did not bring me joy, the exact opposite. It made me sad to know that the person I knew I was at the core had been altered and mutilated by this man in so many ways and even on his way out he seemed to have control. Yes, I now know that I allowed that to happen but let me tell you with the same certainty that it is easy to let it take over.
When I began writing it was with the full intent on outing everything that man ever said to me! I wanted to hurt him in any way I possibly could to make him feel a fraction of what he had made me feel. I wanted to scream from the mountain tops and I wanted an audience.
While i still write and still have the invisible voice pushing me to continue this journey, it is for different reasons. And it is a fairly new shift. I no longer have the goal of revealing what I hid so long with the purpose of causing him pain, but to show what I am healing from. That others are not alone and although no one has said it to me, I know I am not the only one that has ever felt this way or dealt with some of the same things and I am not alone. I felt that way for a long time.
Now the purpose of my story and stories are not to highlight the ones who did terrible things to me (that list is LOOOOONG) but to spotlight that without God’s love I wouldn’t be here to share it. He has given me more now that I have ever had in my life in so many ways. I believe there is a reason I was brought through all of my nightmares and that is to be a testament of his love and that there is a way out and up!
While I don’t want that ex of mine to get a free pass and I will no sugar coat our life together, I take great pride is saying that he is no longer the star of the show. I am pretty sure that I have someone higher up that is on my side and will give him what is do him whatever that may be.
Now, with my kids’ father and his wife, that is a harder struggle that i will have to continue to pray for daily. I try really hard not to ask god to take that man out early.
It may not sound like progress to you but I am happy to say for me it is.
~Rose
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